My Farting: An Outside Expert's Opinion

Very recently I made a blog post titled A Tale of Three Farts.  It was from a magazine article I published a few years ago. I said that the introduction may have been slightly exaggerated but all of the rest of the content was accurate and true.  The article speaks to how sensitive Carp are to noises.

This past Tuesday I had a colonoscopy.  At my age, 61,  this kind of screening is a good thing.  Preventive medicine you know.  I had my first one when I was 50.  Actually I was scheduled to have only a flexible sigmoidoscopy.  For a colonoscopy they insert the camera 4.5 feet.  Seriously.  For a flex sig I was told they only insert the camera about 1/3 of that distance.  I hate the anesthesia/sedative because it takes me a long time to wake up and  I am groggy all day so I elected to have the procedure without the sedative.  After the doc had reached the scheduled distance he asked me how I was doing.  I told him that this really wasn't fun at all.  He asked if he could go a little farther.  I told him, "Yes".  He asked me that several more times and eventually I had a colonoscopy without the sedative.  I decided that the next time I had this procedure I would have the sedative because like I said it just wasn't fun at all.  

To prepare for a colonoscopy you can't eat any solid food for about 36 hours.  You can eat Jello and clear liquid.  Oh, and one more thing.  You take a diuretic in the morning and another one in the afternoon.  Let me tell you, by the evening you have nothing left to give; I mean NOTHING.  I should mention that you get kind of dehydrated.  

I had another colonoscopy when I was 55 and my third one this week.  When they do the procedure they blow oxygen in your colon so they can see better.   They watch on a color monitor and give your pictures when you are finished.  Again, seriously.  I found myself thinking the first time that it was like Splash Mountain at Disneyland where they take your picture as you come down the last drop and then they offer it to you for $20 dollars or whatever it is.  At least with the colonoscopy they don't show you the pictures and then offer them to you for an extra charge.  Its' good to know the pictures are part of the package.  

After the procedure is finished they wheel you out into recovery.  You have to have someone drive you home.  Katy was waiting in recovery for me to wake up.  When you report for the procedure you are hungry and thirsty.  Remember I hadn't eaten for 36 hours and I had defecated (crapped) more than I thought was remotely possible even though this was my third time having the procedure.   

When you wake up the nurse has you roll over into the "farting position".  Again, I am serious.  Okay, I know that doesn't sound dignified to have the nurse say to you, "Okay, its time to get into the farting position."  But what is she going to say, "Its time to roll over so you can expel some rectal gas."  That would be ridiculous.  I suppose I could say, "Hey, you guys put oxygen in my colon and now I feel kind of bloated."  And then the nurse could say, "Yeah, so what...l blow it out your ass!"  Okay that wouldn't be good either.  So I think the middle ground is the best.  "It's time to roll over into the farting position" probably makes the most sense.  

What is the "farting position" you might be asking.  From experience I can tell you that they have you roll over on your left side.  You extend your left leg straight out and then pull your right knee up towards your chest.  I have to tell you it works.  I knew the routine so I got into farting position fairly quickly.  I was thirsty as heck and they won't give you water until you fart a few times.  

The nurse said, "Okay, good, you are in position.  Now go ahead and fart."  (You young readers will think I am making this up but I'm not.  You just wait.)  Then the nurse said, "I'll be right back; you go ahead and fart."  She went over to check on another patient.  Well I had two rounds chambered so I did what I was instructed to do.  And a damn fine job I did!  She came back and asked me if I had farted.  I said, "Yes, twice."  She said, "Was that you?"  I said, "Yes."  She said, "Can you do it again?"  I said, "Sure," and I proceeded to rip off three more particularly robust ones. She said, "Wow, you're good at this."  I looked at Katy and she just shook her head.  What was she going to say?  

I asked the nurse how many procedures they do in a day.  She said they usually do 10 in the morning and 10 in the afternoon.  Let's say the nurse only works one day a week.  That would be 20 per week and 80 per month.  Let's say she takes vacation.  That still means she rolls over 900 people into farting position per year.  And what if she does this a couple days a week?  Let's just stick with one day a week.  If she has just 5 or 6 years of experience she has heard somewhere in the vicinity of 5,000 people fart on command.  Let's say she has 10 or 15 years experience.  Dear God, how many people has she heard fart?  

I think it is safe to say that even conservatively that nurse has heard 5,000 different people fart on command; heck she may have heard 10 or 15 thousand.  I think that qualifies her as an farting expert of sorts.  And to think, she told me, "Wow, you're good at this."  It sort of makes me feel warm all over.  

Well, I think it is time to revise my commentary on my blog post, "A Tale of Three Farts."  The narrative is all true but I said the introduction was possibly slightly exaggerated.  Given the expert opinion rendered on my farting this past Tuesday I am now going to have to say now the whole darn thing is totally true.

I should add, no wonder the Carp swam away.